Being a Better Friend in Tough Times
It's no secret that our lives are greatly enriched by the friends we choose to surround ourselves with. Think back to your favorite memories; how many of them would be meaningless without the presence of the people you care about? Friends and loved ones are a huge part of what makes our journey through life worthwhile.
Watching a friend or loved one go through a dark, difficult time can be a uniquely excruciating experience. So many of us feel much better suited to deal with our own pain than the pain of those we care about. The helpless feeling we get from watching a friend suffer becomes a burden of its own. Our lives are so intertwined with those around us that it's nearly impossible to be immune to the trials and tribulations of our near and dear.
There are, of course, ways to combat this helplessness. It's important, however, to go about it the right way. Your friend is in a fragile state. This is not a time to be forceful or blunt, even if it may at times seem like the right thing to do. This is an all too common mistake, especially when a friend is going through a depression or darkness that, to outsiders, doesn't seem to stem from something major. You must fight the urge to give them that metaphorical shake and say, "Snap out of it! It's not as bad as you think!" What makes sense and may seem perfectly clear to you right now is unfathomable to a friend mired in depression.
One of the most important things you can do as a friend of someone going through a depression is to validate their feelings. If they tell you they're suffering or miserable, don't fight them. Oftentimes a person going through a depression feels detached from humanity; by acknowledging their very real feelings at this moment, you take that first step in rebuilding that damaged connection to the rest of the world. You can't just drag them back to the other side of that gulf, no matter how appealing it may be to try to do so.
When someone is dealing with depression or a darkened state, the "big picture" is something which seems so far away that it's virtually meaningless. Don't try to bludgeon them with messages pertaining to the long run right now. Work with them to come up with activities or tasks which are small and immediate enough to not seem intimidating. Something as small as a visit to watch a TV show you both love can be a gesture of great significance to a friend in pain. These small steps are vital in helping your friend or loved one reconnect to the world that they feel excluded from right now.
Be present. Sometimes it's very tempting to treat a friend who we feel helpless towards with an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. Don't be the friend who is nowhere to be found during these times. Your mere presence on a regular basis means more than you can imagine. Even a phone call or text every few days can be of great significance to someone who is suffering. While they may not be open or especially communicative in lieu of your attempts (especially a first), don't be discouraged, and don't force the issue. Eventually, there comes a moment for everyone when they feel ready to open and take their first steps away from the darkness. It's important for them to have that outlet, and by being present, you're giving them that outlet.
Lastly, don't be afraid to ask for advice from others. Is there someone who sticks out as having been a great friend during a rough time for you? Ask them about their attitudes and actions towards you at those times. You may be surprised at how much you can learn from them. Talk to others about friends who helped them through depression or suffering; find out what the people around them did that was legitimately helpful in the long run. This is not a time to try to make up a new path just for the sake of it. Rely on the wisdom of those who have been there before.
The darkest and roughest periods can often serve to strengthen our bonds with the important people in our lives. One of the most valuable things you can ever do is be there for someone you care about when they are going through a difficult time. Our lives are more fulfilling when we are at harmony with those around us, and when one of those people is suffering, that harmony is shattered. But you can help restore that harmony, for your friend who is suffering and for your greater circle of loved ones.
