Why We Chase Who We Can't Have

Love comes in many forms, shapes, and sizes. It is the subject of countless works of art and also plays a significant role in our everyday lives. Why, then, is it always such a mystery? Summer flings, brief love affairs, unrequited crushes—what is going wrong? The answer might be where you least expect it. Maybe it isn’t about who we love, but rather why.

Snap Back Into Reality

As we all know, nothing makes a more heart-wrenching movie than a good love story. Rom Coms and romantic dramas may seem like harmless entertainment; however, they may be teaching us more about how we view and perform love in reality than we think. Good movies keep our attention with a rising and falling narrative arc—there is tension, intrigue, a beginning, a middle, and an end. Is life always this predictable or Oscar-worthy? No. We may be projecting our desires from our favorite movies onto our own love stories, and this causes nothing but trouble.

Next time you find yourself falling for a mysterious beau, think clearly about what you are after. If it is purely for excitement and thrills, your story may not have that perfect ending. The first step in evaluating a new love interest is to understand why. Knowing why will allow you to make love decisions more about your needs and desires at the outset, rather than another person you barely know.

You Want to Come Out on Top

The first stages of a crush can be affirming, but also do a number on our self-esteem. That is the perfect recipe for disaster. We tend to get more emotionally attached to situations that have both a reward and a punishment response. If you are starting to see someone new, it might be a bag of mixed signals. The rewards stay fresh in our minds—that cute text, that amazing third date, or that surprise goodnight kiss. What about that time that he didn’t call you back, ditched you for a night out with his friends, or yawned his way through your conversation?

The punishment or neglect in a new relationship will only make you want to impress him and save the good parts of the relationship even more. If you find clear signs of push and pull from your crush, stay ahead of the game and suggest a conversation about where things are going.

You Think You Don’t Already Have Love

There is nothing quite like romantic love. However, this is not the only type of love that exists in the world. Before you find all of your energy getting drained from romantic flings and relationships, consider all forms of love that already exist around you—platonic, familial, and self-love. Tapping into these love wells will strengthen your spirit and make you more apt to advocate for what you need and want with a more stable sense of yourself and your value.

Sick and tired of flings that don’t go anywhere or love interests that waste your time? Are you tired of chasing what you can’t have? Take a more in-depth look into why you chose who to pursue; there might be some lessons that will lead you to Mr. Right!